Cashiers handing over change with notes then coins

I really don't understand the world sometimes. What is everyone's obsession with making a little basket for my change? If you're one of the few cashiers that gives me my coins then my notes- I applaud you, there is hope left in this bleak world.

The amount of times I've had a total fucking 'mare at the checkout is ridiculous, and solely down to this somehow standard practice. Maybe cashiers have a secret alliance and they just love watching people's coins slide off that note and onto the floor.

Please, hand my coins first. I can then clench the coins and just pinch the notes and will be free to avert any crisis.

Overly organised meetings

In the age of Powerpoint and synergy, c**ts have wriggled out of the woodwork to set goals, agendas and self-assessment criteria for those of us who just want to get it done and go home. I haven't yet entered the world of dangerously unbuttoned pink businessman shirts, and at university I haven't really been in any particularly wank meetings. But I have seen plenty of these going on.

Some people just thrive on letting everyone else know they're having a meeting. They'll go to a busy foyer of a library, sit down with their macbook and organic bottle water, and wax lyrical to fellow try-hards. All to decide whether Caravaggio was bent or not, and what the dress code should be for their next History of Art pretentious get-together.

People holding doors open too long

Holding doors open for people is fine- it's polite and genuinely helpful. But please don't make me feel like I have to awkwardly run-walk because you've held a door open ten metres ahead of me. I am perfectly capable of opening my own door thank you very much.

People just love holding doors open. They love going past the door and having to make a massive outstretched effort to maintain it agape. They love doing that little peek over their shoulder to check you've sped up in an effort to relieve them of their self-inflicted twister-stance. And they love receiving that hurried 'cheers' that you have to give them, or else they'll tell all their friends that you're an ungrateful bastard.

TV audiences clapping along to live performers

Every bloody time isn't it. Audiences love clapping along to any kind of vague musical sound. I guarantee that the next time you watch the Jonathan Ross or Graham Norton show, the audience will be clapping along just slightly out of time. It could be the most extreme tech-metal band, nintendocore, or a man playing Stairway To Heaven on his cheeks, it doesn't matter; the audience will have a go at clapping along. It's probably most annoying when the artist is genuinely good. No-one asked you to clap along, so just sit there and listen to the music. You're not good enough to make the music and you're not even a fan, so desist with your shit input.

Gangster handshake

At some point in the last five years of my life or so, it has become acceptable for non-homies from Compton to do this kind of sideways handshake thing. The handshake itself is fine, it's just that I have no fucking idea when to do it and when to do the 'normal' handshake. So now my life is plagued with awkward meetings of hands, with new people and friends alike; occasionally resulting in a complete finger-fuck and me wishing I'd just never met the bugger in the first place.

"Ooh a handshake, very formal."

Whatever mate, just tell me what you want me to do.